15 7 / 2014
Ahhh yes. It’s finally summer. Back in the comfort of being home and knowing I will never have to share a dorm room again in my life.
This summer I’m interning at local pharmaceutical company that make listerine-strip type thingys (not technical term) but that work as energy strips or melatonin strips etc. It’s pretty fun and really feels like I work in a chemical bakery.
But not the point. I work with this guy who’s a couple years older than I am. He just graduated with his bachelors and is heading east in the fall for his Ph.D
My entire shift, the entire week, I spend talking with this guy in the lab. So you can say I’ve gotten to know this kid pretty well.
And man did I learn that age is just a number. He’s really attractive, seems alluring because he’s a bit older than me, funny, all that jazz. But dear lord, this kid has the maturity of a freshman in high school.
He giggles at the joke he made when he was 14. He finds it funny that our dried out experiment capsules look like boogers. It’s ridiculous.
Moral of the Story: Age does not necessarily equate life experience. You might have a couple years on me, but where we stand maturity-wise is galaxies away.
03 6 / 2014
The other day my best friend asked me the reasons why I liked MATE.
And I just kind of sat there in silence. After a good couple minutes of thinking all I could come up with was
"Well, I like his sense of humor. It’s a lot of one liners where you’re laughing for a good 10 minutes later.
I like that he’s effortlessly smart, but most of the time isn’t a snob about it.
I like how oblivious he is, but simultaneously aware.
I like the way he’s trying to come out of his awkward shell and tries to socialize with everyone.
I like how he isn’t afraid to make a fool of himself for a good laugh.
And I like to think that he notices the little things that I do too and likes me for that.
But I know that he doesn’t.”
All this time I’d been listing the reasons I found this kid endearing, but didn’t really stop to notice the reasons he’s not right for me.
MATE talks endlessly about his fraternity. That’s awesome that he’s found somewhere he fits in and found great friends. But there’s more to life than how your frat’s soccer team beats the intermural one every year, or how drunk your brother got and broke down the door of the main house.
He never really seems genuinely interested in asking about me. Isn’t there supposed to be mutual inquiry?
Conversations with him are actually really bland. And don’t get me wrong, I can usually converse with people no problem. But my presence doesn’t feel appreciated when he and I talk sober.
With that said, sober conversations are really boring with him. I don’t plan on becoming an alcoholic just to be with him.
He’s from my hometown. Although we only went to middle school together and not high school, I left that damn town for a reason— people included.
Except for maybe one, I really hate most of his friends.
He sucks at texting. Nothing pisses a girl off more than that.
He gets too drunk and gets a major case of the beer googles. He barely remembers making out with nappy asian. Right. In. Front. Of. Me.
But alas, sometimes flaws like these overpower the little things we find endearing. We tend ignore people’s flaws to try and convince ourselves we’ve found the right one. Therefore the next plan of action is to wait for someone worth my time. Someone who’s flaws don’t ruin the facets of them I really do like.
22 5 / 2014
Today I held a human brain.
My lab group went right to work. Drawing the hypothalamus, describing it’s function.
Maybe I’m not the type to objectify things like my peers. But it’s a feeling of unreal power, holding the structure that is responsible for human function. The brain is responsible for sending action potentials down the axon. Such a simple concept— just some calcium and sodium ions crossing a membrane. Hormones released from our hypothalamus to the anterior pituitary gland allow us to mature. Yet this simple mechanism is the reason we feel emotions like love. The reason we experience sadness, longing. Why some of us are capable of having mature relationships, (ahem not you fratty mcfratson) whereas others are with their significant other for other, immature reasons.
I just stood there in awe, with a stranger’s brain in my hand. “I am holding the entity that holds every memory belonging to this person. Every person they’ve loved. Every place they’ve seen. Every emotion they’ve felt. Every adversity they’ve faced. Every test they have studied for.” And everyone around me continued on to label the cerebellum and the right hemisphere.
Now I understand part of the reason why people want to be surgeons. In a way, you play God. Altering the natural state of a human body. If that’s not a feeling of power, I’m not sure what else is.
College is meant to expose you to novel things. It’s supposed to expose you to things that make you uncomfortable. Whether it’s new experiences with boys or new experiences in classes. Whatever your major is, and as much as you hate your major some days— there are day’s where you are reminded why you go through the stress you do. Sometimes all it takes is to hold a human brain.
17 5 / 2014
I like each part of MATE.
The fact that he’s a materials engineer.
The fact that we’re from the same town, so once he realizes how awesome I am and wants to date me, it could totally work.
The fact that we knew each other in middle school and were recently reunited is an adorable story.
The fact that he is really adorkable and sweet and is a genuinely nice guy.
But the choices he makes as a frat boy, like sleeping around and getting too hammered to the point where it impedes his decision making ability constitutes who he is as a whole.
And the whole of the person is who you are with in the long run.
This entire time I’ve been romanticizing the idea of this kid, but never stopped to look at who he is as an overall person. And I don’t think that’s someone who’s right for me.
Of course, who knows what the future holds? Maybe he’ll grow out of his stupid “freshman slut” phase. But what’s the right person if it’s not the right time?
Moral of the story: Just because on paper someone may seem perfect— That doesn’t necessarily mean perfect for you. People are more than just the sum of their parts.
11 5 / 2014
Ironically, the post right before this is a rant about not letting guys treat you like trash.
And here I am. Saturday, feeling that slight sick feeling in the pit of my stomach questioning:
"Why did I cave and spend the night at MATE’s apartment last night?"
Because at the time, that’s what I wanted. That’s why, dammit.
After a lovely evening of drunk bowling, we ended up lying on the floor of the study room of his apartment because, fuck roommates who go to bed at 10:30.
Mid “festivities” I slurred the words to him “Shit, I kind of like you. Stop being such a frat slut. The words “Whyyy, it’s freshman year?” were rather sobering. Just because you’re a freshman doesn’t give you the ok to throw your penis at any passing female.
That following morning, his 50 alarms (that all have a different designated sound might I add. What a dork) went off. Apparently he needed to wake up at 8:30 for his fratty community service thing. I insisted I wasn’t moving until I absolutely had to. He later came back into the room with a sheepish look on his face “So…we’re out of all normal breakfast foods. Do you want a poptart?”
I couldn’t tell you why, but that was one of the most endearing things MATE has said to me. Dude, I wasn’t even expecting breakfast, but thanks for kind of burning the poptart anyways. It was a sweet thought nonetheless.
But for some reason, after I ranted and raved to BFF and the roommate about my great night, I burst out into tears. Maybe it was exhaustion. He didn’t do anything wrong that night. It was me more feeling kind of crappy that I know what he does, yet I still go back. As T. Swizzle would say
"I knew you were trouble when you walked in. So shame on me”
Yes, sometimes he messes up. But I’m the one who chooses to come back. Call it weakness, desperation whatever. I wish I could tell you why I do it.
This whole casual “fling” is something that I am having trouble grasping.
Having an “open relationship” is honestly just asking for STDs, and that shit ain’t cool.
Moral of the story: I’m still trying to figure out the whole protocol of casual college hookups, but learning always comes with pain. You are the one who is in control of who you let stick their tongue down your throat, but sometimes you can’t explain why you let it be someone you knew from the start is bad for you. But sometimes it’s the little endearing things he does, that overpowers the douchy ones.
04 5 / 2014
As I walked home in an exceptionally sober state from the surfer party last night (It was a bust. By the time we got there everyone was way too hammered, and there was literally nothing left to consume. Not even shit Natty Lite. Anyways) I couldn’t help but notice the number of girls dressed in skimpy little outfits or mexican hats to go with some fraternity’s lame-o themed party.
In college there is this unspoken, yet totally present rule of “99% of the time if you go to a ‘date party’ with someone or are ‘talking’ to someone at a party, you’re probably gonna end up drunkenly making out with them on the dance floor.” Then maybe you’ll go home with them. And then you make morally incorrect decisions that you have been told will send you to hell (Let’s be real. We’re all going there for one reason or the other. Hopefully it’s air conditioned?) And then after the next morning, it’s very unlikely that you will speak to this guy again.
What I will never understand is HOW DO GIRLS NOT FEEL LIKE TRASH AFTER THAT? You let a guy do the most intimate thing with you. And then you are ok with the idea that he is probably going to do that to some other meaningless girl?
I don’t know. Maybe I’m hypersensitive, but from the few hookups I’ve experienced in college, I don’t handle not being treated with respect very well.
This rant was inspired by recent bad news. Fratty McFratson (MATE) really isn’t all that we thought he was.
He takes me out on a cute dinner date downtown. Literally a week later I run into him at the gym as I’m struggling to burn off the chicken quesadilla from lunch that day, he approaches me and tells me to visit him at the downstairs desk where he works.
As we are talking during his shift (he’s basically front desk bitch that makes sure no ghetto ass people sneak into our university’s rec center) and mid-conversation I happen to glance at his adams apple. My train of thought was:
*Hmm, that’s a weird spot on his adam’s apple. Is that a normal thing? So weird how I’ve never noticed it before…
Wait a freaking minute. There’s that weird looking thing on the side of his neck too. WOW THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY A HICKIE.*
In that moment I rushed out of there with just enough time to say “Hey nice rash, I gotta go” and he gave me the look where he knew he was caught.
What I still do not understand is: If he genuinely felt bad about what he did with nappy floral skirt, why would he slip up and do the exact same thing again? Why would he ask for my forgiveness in the first place?
Moral of the story: Don’t let boys treat you like crap. Because sometimes they’re not actually sorry they did it. Sometimes they’re only sorry that you saw.
04 5 / 2014
I miss the excitement of turning 18
When everything had so much potential.
Tentative futures, wrapped in an acceptance envelope
Excitement buzzing over graduation and summer flings starting to develop
When Wednesday nights in May, already felt like mid-July
When he looked at me and I knew I was special,
Neglecting our inevitable goodbye
I miss the excitement of turning 18,
when college was unknown territory.
It offers parties and meaningless hookups,
And the most stress ever put before me.
Late night talks with girls in your hall
But it all seems so insincere,
No one is truly there when you fall.
But months of living on my own, with two quarters down
It’s still hard not to feel all alone.
But now at the end of turning 18,
Its magic seems so far.
19 around the corner, the last year for excuses
An apartment, internships
But lessons of 18 were surely not useless
I’ll always hold onto the excitement of turning 18,
Drifting on a boat, with those who matter.
And especially — genuine laughter
29 4 / 2014
As I reach the end of my freshman year of college, I felt the need to reflect on a few thing’s I’ve learned the past months
1) Your roommate will quickly turn into your sister. As an only child I have never understood the agony of wanting to slap someone silly because they’re being a bitch but simultaneously thank her for putting up with your illness that kept you both up til 2 AM during finals week. Despite the ups and downs, she’s the girl that decorates your dorm room for your birthday to surprise you when you wake up surrounded by streamers. A real love/hate relationship but it’s your first taste of living in close proximity to someone that isn’t family. It really is a learning experience and a real unique relationship.
2.) You will kiss a lot more boys than you expect. Then you will worry “Omg am I being a whore now?” But don’t worry, you’re not. You’re just kissing the drunken frogs until you find prince charming (see older post about frat boys. Hint Hint: You won’t find Mr. Right in a fraternity) You’re only young once, might as well enjoy it.
(Disclaimer: I was the lucky individual to catch mono though. It’s called the kissing disease for a reason. I’m saying if you’re gonna be making out with different people, be careful)
3.) You will study harder and fail harder than you ever have before. I got a D on my first bio midterm. As a bio major, that was kinda devastating. But don’t be so quick to call your mom and say “Moooommm, I’m a failure, I suck at college and I hate bio. I neeed to switch my major!” Because sticking it out leads to good things. I ended up with a B in that class and found my niche the following quarter and got an A. So give it time.
4.) Attempt to make time to go to the gym. I cannot emphasize this enough. Fall and winter quarter I barely worked out, and it showed around my hips by spring break. I assumed that since my campus is basically all hills, I was getting sufficient exercise. Wrong. That wasn’t enough to combat the amounts of pizza I ate during the week and the Smirnoff I drank on the weekends. So make time in your schedule to get some cardio in there.
5.) Try to enjoy salad. It’ll greatly benefit your bikini body.
6.) You’re probably going to get into music you never thought you would in high school. I love EDM and trap music now. That was a curveball.
7.) You will meet bitches but will learn how to keep things civil. Even if you cannot stand their presence. You all live together, don’t get phased when they talk shit behind your back. Remain poised and calm and then vent to BFF or someone you definitely trust afterwards. It’s not bitching, it’s venting okay.
8.) Hold on to high school memories, but not too tightly. That makes it harder for you to create new college memories. But college really teaches you that probably 2% of your high school friends are worth keeping in contact with. The remaining 98% are just good to creep on on facebook from time to time.
9.) Moving out teaches you how smart your mom actually is. Like wow, she really raised you with morals, standards and intelligence. Seeing a lot of the whores I’m surrounded by makes me thankful for level-headed parents raising me to make the choices I do. Of course I stumble along the way, but it’s always possible to get back up.
10.) Being sick in a dorm room sucks. Mommy isn’t gonna come and bring you soup and grilled cheese. You’re gonna have to ball up and go to class because you are now a grown ass adult.
11.) You’re just not gonna want to go to your 8 AM lecture some days. So don’t. Missing classes sporadically won’t kill you.
12.) What is TV time? I’ve never studied so much in my life and stopped keeping up with my TV shows. It’s devastating.
13.) College is a new sense of freedom. Liberation from curfews, homework and rules. Use this wisely though because with “great freedom comes great responsibility”. Your freshman year of college teaches you to balance your grades, social life, eating habits, shower time, and independence. And is unlike any other experience thus far in your life. It’s great :)